How to Commit the Perfect Murder
How to Commit the Perfect Murder
Hello, I am here today to educate you on a somewhat serious topic. The perfect murder has long been sought. Many different methods have been tried over the years and with many varying results.
I am going to be giving you a way to commit both the perfect murder and an unprosecutable one.
I am going to be giving you a way to commit both the perfect murder and an unprosecutable one.
The perfect murder is simply one that never happened in the first place.
To commit this murder you will need:
-a weapon (poisons work well, if not then something stabby will do.)
-a car
-a carpet or body bag
-a shovel
-a cell phone
Steps:
- Obviously one of the reasons most murderers get caught is because they have a motive for killing the victim, because they know them. So you have to pick a victim you are not connected to in any way, preferably one who lives far from you so you won't be in the area if an investigation starts. Homeless people, and people who are loners are best. Few people would report them missing.
- You have to gather your supplies, and turn your phone on and leave it at home! The phone is your alibi, just in case. Make sure you pay in cash for your supplies and buy them several weeks in advance. Destroy everything thoroughly afterward. The methodology is important, guns and knives leave too much evidence. Try committing the crime with a blunt object, such as a hammer. These injuries are often difficult to determine the cause of.
- Then you have to kill your victim. This is best done in an isolated, yet public, place, such as when on a morning jog or walking back to their car after work. The reason being is that in a public place any fibers, DNA, or other physical evidence that will undoubtedly be left behind, you can't avoid that really, will most certainly be contaminated by any number of natural elements or other people who walk by. It is also best to commit the crime in the early morning when you can claim to be at home asleep and no one can contradict you. They can't prove you were there but at least you do not have to rely on anyone else to verify your alibi.
Too Much evidence:
- The next thing to do is to load the body into your car in a body bag. This is the part where most people are caught. Make sure you wear gloves, and basically a full hazmat suit, leave no trace of fibers or anything on the body, or traces of the body in your car. When done, make sure to either bleach the crime scene or clean up in other ways.
- Drive it out to a random location deep in the wilderness, away from roads and trails. Bury the body in a hole at least six feet deep. Alternatively you can weight the body bag and dump it in a deep lake. The important part is that you have to make sure the body is never found, because cases without bodies are not only hard to prove but even harder when/ if the suspected killer is a completely random person with no motive.
- Then you go home and get a good night's sleep. Stay away from the area where you committed the crime. Make sure to avoid watching the news, the police may try psych you out by publicly saying they have evidence and what not. Obviously, tell no one what you did.
Where to hide the body:
The other way to commit a perfect murder is to commit one that cannot be prosecuted. For example, comb the lawbooks for exploitable loopholes such as the Yellowstone loophole. Federal law states that federal crimes shall be prosecuted by a jury from the state they were committed in. Yet, federal law also states that all crimes committed in Yellowstone National Park will be prosecuted in Wyoming. Which means you can commit a murder in the Idaho section of Yellowstone National Park and never be prosecuted for it because a court in Wyoming cannot prosecute a crime committed in Idaho. So you could be seen by a park ranger committing the murder and you can confess to it, yet never go to jail!
In all seriousness though, if you are casually reading this, please do not take this too seriously. It's a school project. If you are reading this and taking it seriously, please seek psychiatric help before you kill someone thank you.
Hi Andrew,
ReplyDeleteYour title caught my attention since you actually made a how-to on committing murder. It reminded of my senior year in high school when we had to do a research paper on any topic we want, and one of my friends did a topic on serial killers committing also the perfect murder. My only recommendation is to separate the whole paragraph into separate steps for people can't be thinking that it is a lot to read, other than that it is interesting to read.
What a fun topic (to read about!) for this assignment. Your voice and sense of humor are abundant in this blog from the very concept to some of the little jokes you tell.
ReplyDeleteThere are a couple issues with this presentation. You never mention guns, which I guess is for a reason (too loud I guess?) but you do recommend "something stabby." Later, you say to avoid using a knife as it would cause too much of a mess.
When you say to bury the body in the wilderness, that seems like a good idea, but the wilderness that you chose to portray looks like it's some kind of federally protected park. Is it the Grand Tetons? This means you would have had to drive through a ranger station at some point, which seems like a bad idea.
It seems like your Yellowstone paradox is not so much of a problem. If I were to guess, the Yellowstone law is meant to override the law about crimes only being prosecuted by the state that they're in. Am I wrong? I feel like I'm right.
Besides these issues, this at least provides a pretty good framework to do a very bad thing.